I'm Still Me

It's funny how life works.

My last post ushered in the third and final month of WinterJam. March flew by, and suddenly the tour was over and we were homeward bound. We pulled back into Nashville on Easter morning and I had the privilege of spending the day with some close friends before packing for a month back in PA. Once again, I made the decision to drive back, rather than fly. I must be good at blocking out the "terrible" parts of making that drive alone, because I convinced myself it'd be fine and dandy. To be honest, it actually was fine for the most part. I stopped in Wytheville as I do every year and ate at Cracker Barrel by myself as I've done so many times before. Twelve plus hours later, I finally made it to my Pennsylvania home.

The first weekend home, I was left to myself; my parents and brother were all in Virginia and my sister was at school. So it was me and the dog. Staying at home alone doesn't always sit well, so we slumbered in my parent's room for the weekend. And it was glorious. So much better than the twin bed that was waiting for me. The next few days paged slowly by- I slept a ton, saw extended family for a belated Easter gathering, drove 2 hours to see my great-grandma, saw a concert with my brother and friends, had a few *much-needed* shopping trips with mom, spent time with my best friend from college.

Remember how I said it's funny how life works? In my last blog post, I wrote that I felt there was a fog hanging over me. That anxiety was getting in the way of daily routines, common sense. After two rather emotional conversations with my parents, I saw my doctor. We talked, we listened. And I walked out of the office with a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

I can't say I was completely shocked. But it was said out loud, written in my chart. I have depression. It's not an easy thing to admit to oneself, let alone anyone else. Keeping it to myself, though, hasn't helped the anxiety. There's a strange balancing act of putting it out there and wanting to keep it locked inside because of the societal implications of telling people. But, without recognizing it, no one knows or understands why some days I don't want to leave my bed, and other days I want to get dressed up (or at least dressed in something other than sweatpants) and live life.

It's back and forth. Some days are really good, and other days it's the complete opposite. This weekend was a good few days. Long and tiring and full of being outdoors, but it was good. Today, I might lay low. The rainy weather doesn't usually help, so my motivation is not at an all-time high. That said, I've cleaned the house and worked on bills. Maybe I'll read a book or bake some of my famous banana bread. And I'll probably stay in comfy clothes because I can.

At the end of every day, I'm thankful for another day; for parents who listened and gave advice and got me the help I needed; for the friends who have and are supporting on this new journey I'm navigating.

Being home in PA was good for me- for so many reasons. Living so far away from all of my family has made me so much more appreciative for the time I get to spend with them. Whether it was a Sunday lunch with my dad, movie marathon with my mom, board games with my siblings or even snuggling with my puppy, it was good. And I am so thankful.

May is somehow quickly coming to an end. It'll be Christmas before we know it- don't worry mom, I'll get you my list soon. ;) But in all seriousness, May is almost over and I recently became aware that May is Mental Health Awareness month. The color associated with this awareness is green, which happens to be my favorite color. Always has been, always will be. I'm still learning a lot about all of this, but what I do know is that mental health issues can look different for every person. Every time I see green now, I take a moment to simply reflect. And to thank God even more for life and for the help I know He'll give as I start this new journey.