Last night I had to run to the grocery store to stock up on stuff for this next run of the WinterJams. Thankfully - praise the lamb - it's only a three-day run.
I had a list of what I needed, and only added one extra aisle. In the midst of getting what I actually needed, and the two things that I added to my list, I suddenly realized that I had been in the grocery store for upwards of 40 minutes. My list was simple and I knew exactly where everything was. In fact, the number of items I shoved in my basket would have allowed me to get in the "less than 15 items" line. And yet, with less than 15 items and almost 40 minutes later, I found myself wandering around like a lost child, deep in thought.
I started questioning everything. My "career", relationships, the items in my shopping cart on Amazon waiting to be purchased that I probably don't need, the reality that I'm still sick a month later, that all I really want is to go back home and hug my family and snuggle with my dog, and so much more. When I realized I hadn't added anything to my basket for a while, I found myself in the pots and pans aisle. I wasn't shopping for pots and pans. I looked down to my basket and saw the defrosting salmon filets my roommate was patiently waiting for at home and made a quick dash to the checkout line.
Most days it feels like I'm walking through a fog, and I so badly want it to be sunny and clear. I wish my questions were answered, that my doubts and insecurities would fade away, that I wouldn't have to hold my breath at the end of every month when the bills are due, that I could afford to fly home to see my family. And yet, here we are. Of course, I know full well that things could be incredibly worse, and that realistically, I'm probably "fine." But, I gotta be honest...it doesn't feel that way.
In talking with two people last night, they both reminded me that this is normal. We all have these times in our lives when bad seems - or at least feels - to outweigh the good. That the fog is going to be a little heavier before it breaks and allows the sun to shine. But, that most importantly, in all of this, it's okay to take time for me, and to work on me. I don't really know what that entails quite yet, but I do know that some of what it will require is going to stretch me. A lot.
I never know who actually reads this, but even if it's only one handful of people, I want you to know a few things. First, this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post - in fact, this blog is an outlet for me, and it also just happens to be a way to keep people updated on the craziness that is Ellie. Second, in writing this specific post, I'm realizing it's okay to not always be 100%...in fact, it's just not possible. Because when we try to achieve that level all the time, we wear ourselves out even more. And so for my friends who wonder why I don't do anything on our off days, it's because I need time for me. Because without that time, I would most likely be a bear when we got back on the road. Third, I know that it's going to take time to work on my never-ending list of unanswered questions, doubts...life stuff. But, I also know that I'll get there eventually. It's just going to take time, patience (Lord, please grant it) and honesty with myself and others.
We only have three weeks left of WinterJam, and I want to do my best to make the most of it. There are still going to be days that are harder for me than others. I'm already dreading getting out of my bunk tomorrow. But by the grace of God and the love of my family and friends, I know that everything's going to be alright. I simply need to give it time.
Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. I hope you know I'm grateful for all of you out there.
Yours until further notice,
Ellie
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