Have you ever seen the video of the kid in winter, who, after shoveling his yard for a few seconds, stops, looks up to the sky, arms in the air and says, "Jesus, make it warm!"?
If you haven't, you most definitely should, purely because it's funny, but also so you have a little bit of context for what follows. So click here to watch.
That said, lately I've been feeling like that kid. Only I am saying, "Jesus, make it clear!"
For the first time, in a long time, I am unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I was at complete peace when I chose to go back to school for a fifth year, even though I was going to spend another billion dollars. But I knew that it was right. Jesus made it clear.
I don't want anyone to think that I'm blaming Jesus or my parents or anyone just because I don't have an answer. I simply just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Every question I ask myself, every path I look down - I just end up with more questions. Who knows, maybe that's the way to find my answer - ask 8,000 questions.
As I sat in the airport getting ready to head back down south (where it is thankfully not winter, unlike PA), I was looking around at everyone in my gate - the baseball team from whatever college was on their way to play a somewhat important game (I guess since they're all in their travel uniforms); the couple next to me was planning a renovation in their new home; Mr. Cranky-Pants McStevenson was having a heated conversation with someone, but was excited to see the person on the other end; friends found each other who didn't know they were on the same flight, and started discussing their summer plans. All of these people at least seemed to carry themselves with an air of "I've got this. I know what I'm doing in life." And then there was me - wearing a Messiah Alumni sweatshirt, which when I bought it this week, the lady thought I was buying for my own child, and I sat there, wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing with my life, while the 20-something next to me is playing Dragon Ball-Z on his phone. Maybe he's on this whole "life confusion" path with me.
When I graduated from Messiah a year ago (WHAT), I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to do with my life. Living at home would clearly be a bonus. Although I'm pretty sure at 24 years old, my parents probably would have changed their minds. Eventually. But I still knew what I wanted to do.
Fast forward a few months, interviews and applications later, and my world was turned upside down - in probably the most exciting way possible for a new college grad. Fresh off the Messiah press, I packed my car and drove to a place I'd never been before in my entire 23 years of living. The following three months were a roller coaster of craziness, but I learned a great deal, and grew, too. Then I went home for Christmas, enjoyed time with family, but couldn't wait to get back down. Fast forward to this past week, when I was home for 8 days. This time I didn't want to leave. Not just because of family and friends being there, but this time something was telling me that I'd be back sooner than I expected.
Eight months ago, I was ready to escape the bubble in which I had lived since I was born. Now, I liked the "bubble." Not for its comfortability, but for its familiarity. Because at the end of the day, that's my home. Now, it wasn't a "Truman Show" kind of bubble; nothing was fake or rehearsed. It was simply my community. I know as Messiah students we always comment that we live in a bubble, that community is merely a buzzword, but there's something to be said for a bubble and community that allows for growth, for learning, for friendships. I wouldn't trade my five years at Messiah for anything. And if school wasn't so expensive, and if I didn't have to do the school part, I'd be there. Right now. Well, maybe not this second, but you know what I mean. Messiah was my home for five straight years. This place that I dreaded my first night at college (even though I only lived 25 minutes away) was the place where professors and friends would help mold me into the person I am today. I've come a long way since my first day on campus - I quickly learned not to wear my lanyard around my neck, and never to carry a tray in Lottie. Future Messiah students, take note. But last night, as I waited to board my plane in the overcrowded airport waiting to go back to a {hopeful} warmer climate, I wished I was back in my bubble.
I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months, let alone how I'm not going to be broke in the next few days - saltines for life, baby. But I do know that chapters start and they end - they can't just go on and on and on. So we'll see what happens in this chapter I'm currently in - maybe it will continue, and maybe it won't. But I know that I will be praying with every fiber of my being for Jesus to make it clear.
So whether you're questioning what your major should be in college, if you should live at home or move, keep your job or find a new one - whatever it is, don't be afraid to ask the One who invites us whole, broken, energized or tired. Go to Him like you would have as a child and ask Him to make it clear. His answer may not be immediate, it may not be what you thought He was going to say, but He will answer. And you'll know which path to take.
Pip pip!
Ellie
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