Breathe On Me, Breath Of God

On Sunday I had the crazy privilege of taking part in FOUR services at church. Yes, you read that correctly. Four. But I have to say, as tired as I was by the end of the day, it was exactly what I needed. 

My morning began at 5:00. A.M., not P.M. I don't often see that time of day - mostly because I choose not to. After a few delays thanks to trusty old Kathy (my car), I was on my way. I was on my way for what would be in one sense an exhausting day, but in another and more important sense, energizing day. 

I pulled in at 7:00am - 15 minutes late for rehearsal. Great start, Ellie, great start. Forgot to take my allergy medicine. Awesome. Lack of sleep due to excitement now making me nervous. Seriously?!

Breathe on me, breath of God.

I walked in and started feeling less nervous. I felt at home. I had been granted peace. 

I'm still the new kid on the block, so I met two of the band and we were off. 

My prayer for the day was not only that my nerves would be taken away, and not only that I would be used as a vessel to lead others, but (and perhaps this was slightly selfish), that my spirit would be lifted. 

Fill me with life anew.

After we finished our music in the first service, we met downstairs for waffles and devotions. I got to talking with the drummer, and before I knew it, I was sharing almost all of my life story with him. I had only met this man a few hours prior, and yet I felt as though he had been a family friend all my life. I told him of my passion for music ministry and for my desire to know God's calling in my life. 

By this point, I had been up for a solid 4.5 hours, but for some reason, I felt like I had slept for 12 hours the night before. (I didn't, by the way). I felt full and refreshed, energized and revived. 

Getting ready for the second service, I was excited. And then I got upstairs. There was an inkling of nervousness making its way back into my mind. I starting wondering why I was even singing in a church of what felt like 1,000 people. And then it hit me: because of my passion for the Church. 

That I may love what Thou dost love.

When we had finished the second service, I went to sit down, but there were no seats! The church was packed. How great to have seats filled with people who want to be there. People who want to learn, to grow, to love. 

I went downstairs again to talk, to ponder, to pray. Lately I've been struggling with the loving like Christ loves part. I've been consumed with things that are bothering me instead of focusing and living like Christ would have me to. I haven't been attentive to the needs of others because I've been so concerned about my struggles. 

And do what Thou wouldst do.

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The songs, the sermon and the Spirit had all come together, allowing for a unity among hundreds and hundreds of people throughout the day. 

This song, "Breathe On Me, Breath Of God" has been around since the 1800s. I grew up singing it as a traditional hymn. Perhaps as a kid I wasn't thinking about the theological implications of the songs. But throughout the day, and the days since, this song has stood out to me, and has been my prayer. 

In making this my prayer, I'm not only asking for God's peace and guidance. Although, Heaven knows I need it. But rather, and maybe even more importantly, that through His Spirit, I would find new life so that I may love what He loves, and do what He does. 

To say that I've got everything figured out would be more than a fib. But! The stepping stones for the path ahead of me are starting to line up, allowing me to walk instead of standing on one stone, stuck. 

I encourage you (whoever "you" are) to listen to the words of this beautiful hymn. I encourage you to make it your prayer.

I pray that you would be filled with new life, that the breath of God would lead you and that you would be filled with the peace, knowledge and understanding that comes only from God. 

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Breathe on me, breath of God,

Fill me with life anew.

That I may love what Thou dost love,

And do what Thou wouldst do.

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Take one day at a time. Don't be discouraged if the answers you're looking for don't come at the snap of your fingers. Be patient. Wait on the Lord. Allow yourself to be filled with the very breaths that brought you life. And remember that Christ is for you, not against you.

T.T.F.N.,

Ellie

Jesus, Make it Clear

Have you ever seen the video of the kid in winter, who, after shoveling his yard for a few seconds, stops, looks up to the sky, arms in the air and says, "Jesus, make it warm!"?
If you haven't, you most definitely should, purely because it's funny, but also so you have a little bit of context for what follows. So click here to watch.

That said, lately I've been feeling like that kid. Only I am saying, "Jesus, make it clear!"

For the first time, in a long time, I am unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I was at complete peace when I chose to go back to school for a fifth year, even though I was going to spend another billion dollars. But I knew that it was right. Jesus made it clear.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm blaming Jesus or my parents or anyone just because I don't have an answer. I simply just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Every question I ask myself, every path I look down - I just end up with more questions. Who knows, maybe that's the way to find my answer - ask 8,000 questions.

As I sat in the airport getting ready to head back down south (where it is thankfully not winter, unlike PA), I was looking around at everyone in my gate - the baseball team from whatever college was on their way to play a somewhat important game (I guess since they're all in their travel uniforms); the couple next to me was planning a renovation in their new home; Mr. Cranky-Pants McStevenson was having a heated conversation with someone, but was excited to see the person on the other end; friends found each other who didn't know they were on the same flight, and started discussing their summer plans. All of these people at least seemed to carry themselves with an air of "I've got this. I know what I'm doing in life." And then there was me - wearing a Messiah Alumni sweatshirt, which when I bought it this week, the lady thought I was buying for my own child, and I sat there, wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing with my life, while the 20-something next to me is playing Dragon Ball-Z on his phone. Maybe he's on this whole "life confusion" path with me.

When I graduated from Messiah a year ago (WHAT), I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to do with my life. Living at home would clearly be a bonus. Although I'm pretty sure at 24 years old, my parents probably would have changed their minds. Eventually. But I still knew what I wanted to do.

Fast forward a few months, interviews and applications later, and my world was turned upside down - in probably the most exciting way possible for a new college grad. Fresh off the Messiah press, I packed my car and drove to a place I'd never been before in my entire 23 years of living. The following three months were a roller coaster of craziness, but I learned a great deal, and grew, too. Then I went home for Christmas, enjoyed time with family, but couldn't wait to get back down. Fast forward to this past week, when I was home for 8 days. This time I didn't want to leave. Not just because of family and friends being there, but this time something was telling me that I'd be back sooner than I expected.

Eight months ago, I was ready to escape the bubble in which I had lived since I was born. Now, I liked the "bubble." Not for its comfortability, but for its familiarity. Because at the end of the day, that's my home. Now, it wasn't a "Truman Show" kind of bubble; nothing was fake or rehearsed. It was simply my community. I know as Messiah students we always comment that we live in a bubble, that community is merely a buzzword, but there's something to be said for a bubble and community that allows for growth, for learning, for friendships. I wouldn't trade my five years at Messiah for anything. And if school wasn't so expensive, and if I didn't have to do the school part, I'd be there. Right now. Well, maybe not this second, but you know what I mean. Messiah was my home for five straight years. This place that I dreaded my first night at college (even though I only lived 25 minutes away) was the place where professors and friends would help mold me into the person I am today. I've come a long way since my first day on campus - I quickly learned not to wear my lanyard around my neck, and never to carry a tray in Lottie. Future Messiah students, take note. But last night, as I waited to board my plane in the overcrowded airport waiting to go back to a {hopeful} warmer climate, I wished I was back in my bubble.

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months, let alone how I'm not going to be broke in the next few days - saltines for life, baby. But I do know that chapters start and they end - they can't just go on and on and on. So we'll see what happens in this chapter I'm currently in - maybe it will continue, and maybe it won't. But I know that I will be praying with every fiber of my being for Jesus to make it clear.

So whether you're questioning what your major should be in college, if you should live at home or move, keep your job or find a new one - whatever it is, don't be afraid to ask the One who invites us whole, broken, energized or tired. Go to Him like you would have as a child and ask Him to make it clear. His answer may not be immediate, it may not be what you thought He was going to say, but He will answer. And you'll know which path to take.

Pip pip!
Ellie