It's funny how life works.
My last post ushered in the third and final month of WinterJam. March flew by, and suddenly the tour was over and we were homeward bound. We pulled back into Nashville on Easter morning and I had the privilege of spending the day with some close friends before packing for a month back in PA. Once again, I made the decision to drive back, rather than fly. I must be good at blocking out the "terrible" parts of making that drive alone, because I convinced myself it'd be fine and dandy. To be honest, it actually was fine for the most part. I stopped in Wytheville as I do every year and ate at Cracker Barrel by myself as I've done so many times before. Twelve plus hours later, I finally made it to my Pennsylvania home.
The first weekend home, I was left to myself; my parents and brother were all in Virginia and my sister was at school. So it was me and the dog. Staying at home alone doesn't always sit well, so we slumbered in my parent's room for the weekend. And it was glorious. So much better than the twin bed that was waiting for me. The next few days paged slowly by- I slept a ton, saw extended family for a belated Easter gathering, drove 2 hours to see my great-grandma, saw a concert with my brother and friends, had a few *much-needed* shopping trips with mom, spent time with my best friend from college.
Remember how I said it's funny how life works? In my last blog post, I wrote that I felt there was a fog hanging over me. That anxiety was getting in the way of daily routines, common sense. After two rather emotional conversations with my parents, I saw my doctor. We talked, we listened. And I walked out of the office with a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.
I can't say I was completely shocked. But it was said out loud, written in my chart. I have depression. It's not an easy thing to admit to oneself, let alone anyone else. Keeping it to myself, though, hasn't helped the anxiety. There's a strange balancing act of putting it out there and wanting to keep it locked inside because of the societal implications of telling people. But, without recognizing it, no one knows or understands why some days I don't want to leave my bed, and other days I want to get dressed up (or at least dressed in something other than sweatpants) and live life.
It's back and forth. Some days are really good, and other days it's the complete opposite. This weekend was a good few days. Long and tiring and full of being outdoors, but it was good. Today, I might lay low. The rainy weather doesn't usually help, so my motivation is not at an all-time high. That said, I've cleaned the house and worked on bills. Maybe I'll read a book or bake some of my famous banana bread. And I'll probably stay in comfy clothes because I can.
At the end of every day, I'm thankful for another day; for parents who listened and gave advice and got me the help I needed; for the friends who have and are supporting on this new journey I'm navigating.
Being home in PA was good for me- for so many reasons. Living so far away from all of my family has made me so much more appreciative for the time I get to spend with them. Whether it was a Sunday lunch with my dad, movie marathon with my mom, board games with my siblings or even snuggling with my puppy, it was good. And I am so thankful.
May is somehow quickly coming to an end. It'll be Christmas before we know it- don't worry mom, I'll get you my list soon. ;) But in all seriousness, May is almost over and I recently became aware that May is Mental Health Awareness month. The color associated with this awareness is green, which happens to be my favorite color. Always has been, always will be. I'm still learning a lot about all of this, but what I do know is that mental health issues can look different for every person. Every time I see green now, I take a moment to simply reflect. And to thank God even more for life and for the help I know He'll give as I start this new journey.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Frozen Fish No More
Last night I had to run to the grocery store to stock up on stuff for this next run of the WinterJams. Thankfully - praise the lamb - it's only a three-day run.
I had a list of what I needed, and only added one extra aisle. In the midst of getting what I actually needed, and the two things that I added to my list, I suddenly realized that I had been in the grocery store for upwards of 40 minutes. My list was simple and I knew exactly where everything was. In fact, the number of items I shoved in my basket would have allowed me to get in the "less than 15 items" line. And yet, with less than 15 items and almost 40 minutes later, I found myself wandering around like a lost child, deep in thought.
I started questioning everything. My "career", relationships, the items in my shopping cart on Amazon waiting to be purchased that I probably don't need, the reality that I'm still sick a month later, that all I really want is to go back home and hug my family and snuggle with my dog, and so much more. When I realized I hadn't added anything to my basket for a while, I found myself in the pots and pans aisle. I wasn't shopping for pots and pans. I looked down to my basket and saw the defrosting salmon filets my roommate was patiently waiting for at home and made a quick dash to the checkout line.
Most days it feels like I'm walking through a fog, and I so badly want it to be sunny and clear. I wish my questions were answered, that my doubts and insecurities would fade away, that I wouldn't have to hold my breath at the end of every month when the bills are due, that I could afford to fly home to see my family. And yet, here we are. Of course, I know full well that things could be incredibly worse, and that realistically, I'm probably "fine." But, I gotta be honest...it doesn't feel that way.
In talking with two people last night, they both reminded me that this is normal. We all have these times in our lives when bad seems - or at least feels - to outweigh the good. That the fog is going to be a little heavier before it breaks and allows the sun to shine. But, that most importantly, in all of this, it's okay to take time for me, and to work on me. I don't really know what that entails quite yet, but I do know that some of what it will require is going to stretch me. A lot.
I never know who actually reads this, but even if it's only one handful of people, I want you to know a few things. First, this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post - in fact, this blog is an outlet for me, and it also just happens to be a way to keep people updated on the craziness that is Ellie. Second, in writing this specific post, I'm realizing it's okay to not always be 100%...in fact, it's just not possible. Because when we try to achieve that level all the time, we wear ourselves out even more. And so for my friends who wonder why I don't do anything on our off days, it's because I need time for me. Because without that time, I would most likely be a bear when we got back on the road. Third, I know that it's going to take time to work on my never-ending list of unanswered questions, doubts...life stuff. But, I also know that I'll get there eventually. It's just going to take time, patience (Lord, please grant it) and honesty with myself and others.
We only have three weeks left of WinterJam, and I want to do my best to make the most of it. There are still going to be days that are harder for me than others. I'm already dreading getting out of my bunk tomorrow. But by the grace of God and the love of my family and friends, I know that everything's going to be alright. I simply need to give it time.
Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. I hope you know I'm grateful for all of you out there.
Yours until further notice,
Ellie
I had a list of what I needed, and only added one extra aisle. In the midst of getting what I actually needed, and the two things that I added to my list, I suddenly realized that I had been in the grocery store for upwards of 40 minutes. My list was simple and I knew exactly where everything was. In fact, the number of items I shoved in my basket would have allowed me to get in the "less than 15 items" line. And yet, with less than 15 items and almost 40 minutes later, I found myself wandering around like a lost child, deep in thought.
I started questioning everything. My "career", relationships, the items in my shopping cart on Amazon waiting to be purchased that I probably don't need, the reality that I'm still sick a month later, that all I really want is to go back home and hug my family and snuggle with my dog, and so much more. When I realized I hadn't added anything to my basket for a while, I found myself in the pots and pans aisle. I wasn't shopping for pots and pans. I looked down to my basket and saw the defrosting salmon filets my roommate was patiently waiting for at home and made a quick dash to the checkout line.
Most days it feels like I'm walking through a fog, and I so badly want it to be sunny and clear. I wish my questions were answered, that my doubts and insecurities would fade away, that I wouldn't have to hold my breath at the end of every month when the bills are due, that I could afford to fly home to see my family. And yet, here we are. Of course, I know full well that things could be incredibly worse, and that realistically, I'm probably "fine." But, I gotta be honest...it doesn't feel that way.
In talking with two people last night, they both reminded me that this is normal. We all have these times in our lives when bad seems - or at least feels - to outweigh the good. That the fog is going to be a little heavier before it breaks and allows the sun to shine. But, that most importantly, in all of this, it's okay to take time for me, and to work on me. I don't really know what that entails quite yet, but I do know that some of what it will require is going to stretch me. A lot.
I never know who actually reads this, but even if it's only one handful of people, I want you to know a few things. First, this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post - in fact, this blog is an outlet for me, and it also just happens to be a way to keep people updated on the craziness that is Ellie. Second, in writing this specific post, I'm realizing it's okay to not always be 100%...in fact, it's just not possible. Because when we try to achieve that level all the time, we wear ourselves out even more. And so for my friends who wonder why I don't do anything on our off days, it's because I need time for me. Because without that time, I would most likely be a bear when we got back on the road. Third, I know that it's going to take time to work on my never-ending list of unanswered questions, doubts...life stuff. But, I also know that I'll get there eventually. It's just going to take time, patience (Lord, please grant it) and honesty with myself and others.
We only have three weeks left of WinterJam, and I want to do my best to make the most of it. There are still going to be days that are harder for me than others. I'm already dreading getting out of my bunk tomorrow. But by the grace of God and the love of my family and friends, I know that everything's going to be alright. I simply need to give it time.
Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. I hope you know I'm grateful for all of you out there.
Yours until further notice,
Ellie
Thursday, February 15, 2018
26 And Pixie Stix
I should note: none of this blog has anything to do with pixie stix. Michelle just made it rhyme and I liked it. But I do have a pixie cut, so I guess it kinda works.
Anyway...
As a kid, I remember thinking that it was going to take forever until I turned twenty-anything. Now that I'm 26, the next milestones don't feel so far away. That said, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my twenties before they're gone. Forever.
Unlike last year, I got to spend my actual birthday off the road and in Nashville. The morning was spent having the ultimate girls day - splurging on breakfast, a mini shopping spree and manicures. While on said shopping spree, Corey, Michelle and I experienced something called Dragon's Breath. And well, it was certainly interesting - strawberry flavored cheeseball-sized cereal bits dunked in liquid nitrogen. Thus, incurring dragon breath. It was all fun and games until the cereal got stuck to my lips and I felt like Flick in "A Christmas Story" when his tongue got stuck to the flag pole. Don't believe me?! Ask the girls - they will spare no details.
I thought I might have time to take a nap so I had energy for the evening festivities, but unfortunately I had no time at all. In fact, after rushing to get ready and stopping at the grocery store, I was late to my own party. And not just fashionably late...like, really late. Sorry 'bout that, y'all.
The night was filled with food, laughter (lots and lots of laughter) and good times with friends. Their singing was something to behold - it was impressive how many different keys in which they managed to sing. But boy did they sing with gusto... probably to mask the 7845920 different keys.
By the end of the night, I was feeling like a zombie, and probably looked like one, too. So, we called it a night and I flopped in my bed and didn't get up until 1:30pm the next day. I had the realization when I woke up that turning 26 didn't really feel that different to 25. I'm guessing it will when I get kicked off my parent's health insurance in a few weeks.
At one point in my life, I was terrified of getting older. And not just because of actually getting older. My fear was that of not accomplishing certain things by certain ages. Funnily enough, as I have - you guessed it - gotten older, some of those things on my checklist seem trivial to achieve by age "fill in the blank." I know that in God's time, I will settle down, own a house, buy a new car, (maybe one day) pursue my ultimate dream, have a family.
Whether you're turning 16, 26, 66 or 76, we're all going to get older. Maybe not as old as others, but that's how it goes, it's how the cookie crumbles. And honestly, there's a lot of good things that come with age - most of which, in my experience, are pretty great. Here's to not worrying about how old we are and concerning ourselves with what the next year of age may or may not bring... Here's to living in the here and now and enjoying the time that we do have.
I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling 22. I'm feeling 26, and it feels great.
Stay awesome, possums,
Ellie
Anyway...
As a kid, I remember thinking that it was going to take forever until I turned twenty-anything. Now that I'm 26, the next milestones don't feel so far away. That said, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my twenties before they're gone. Forever.
Unlike last year, I got to spend my actual birthday off the road and in Nashville. The morning was spent having the ultimate girls day - splurging on breakfast, a mini shopping spree and manicures. While on said shopping spree, Corey, Michelle and I experienced something called Dragon's Breath. And well, it was certainly interesting - strawberry flavored cheeseball-sized cereal bits dunked in liquid nitrogen. Thus, incurring dragon breath. It was all fun and games until the cereal got stuck to my lips and I felt like Flick in "A Christmas Story" when his tongue got stuck to the flag pole. Don't believe me?! Ask the girls - they will spare no details.
I thought I might have time to take a nap so I had energy for the evening festivities, but unfortunately I had no time at all. In fact, after rushing to get ready and stopping at the grocery store, I was late to my own party. And not just fashionably late...like, really late. Sorry 'bout that, y'all.
The night was filled with food, laughter (lots and lots of laughter) and good times with friends. Their singing was something to behold - it was impressive how many different keys in which they managed to sing. But boy did they sing with gusto... probably to mask the 7845920 different keys.
By the end of the night, I was feeling like a zombie, and probably looked like one, too. So, we called it a night and I flopped in my bed and didn't get up until 1:30pm the next day. I had the realization when I woke up that turning 26 didn't really feel that different to 25. I'm guessing it will when I get kicked off my parent's health insurance in a few weeks.
At one point in my life, I was terrified of getting older. And not just because of actually getting older. My fear was that of not accomplishing certain things by certain ages. Funnily enough, as I have - you guessed it - gotten older, some of those things on my checklist seem trivial to achieve by age "fill in the blank." I know that in God's time, I will settle down, own a house, buy a new car, (maybe one day) pursue my ultimate dream, have a family.
Whether you're turning 16, 26, 66 or 76, we're all going to get older. Maybe not as old as others, but that's how it goes, it's how the cookie crumbles. And honestly, there's a lot of good things that come with age - most of which, in my experience, are pretty great. Here's to not worrying about how old we are and concerning ourselves with what the next year of age may or may not bring... Here's to living in the here and now and enjoying the time that we do have.
I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling 22. I'm feeling 26, and it feels great.
Stay awesome, possums,
Ellie
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